Guilt is one side of a nasty triangle: the other two are shame and stigma – Germaine Greer
“Tee what do you think? After all her moral talk, she’s pregnant. Don’t you think she’s a hypocrite?” Iverem said to me jolting me from my thoughts. “Ah…. Yes, yes I was surprised myself when I heard too…. But…” – I was just about to say maybe we should not judge but looking at Iverem I knew I didn’t have the energy to go down that line. “Ivie I have a headache. Do you think I can get a short nap before we head out” I said to Iverem. She agreed to let me be for a while, now I am left alone with my thoughts.
Iverem was talking about Ayamma who got pregnant. Everyone was quite surprised, actually Ayamma was known to be morally upright but the gist going around is that she has sex with the highest bidders a.k.a sugar daddies. Three days ago I would have joined Iverem passionately in the conversation I had just cut short. I probably would have judged Ayamma for being shameless and for sleeping around but three days ago feels like ages ago.I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror. I found myself thinking “How did I get here? Why was I so stupid? Why, why why?” These are the questions I ask myself. I judge myself every day for my actions and its worse when I have to talk to or see Dan my boyfriend of two years.
It all started a year ago, I was in a happy relationship with Dan we talked about getting married and often times day dreamed of what our kids would look like, I could see a clear and very bright future with him or so I thought until….*deep breath*… well I met Christian (Chris for short) a year ago on IG. I happened to comment on a post and then he replied my comment. The post was on feminism so my comment showed resounding passion and obviously drew his attention. Long story short he slid into my DM and we started sending each other personal messages. Chris lived in Russia and was doing well for himself (He still is). A month after talking only on IG we took our blooming friendship to whatsapp; he was so easy to talk to and we would have the best conversations about the most random things.
It felt so good to have someone else to rant to and talk about private things. It was easy because we were not going to see each other for the next foreseeable future “or so I thought”. I began to talk a lot more to Chris than even my boyfriend but I didn’t think there was any harm there. “I’m like a sister to him” that’s what I told everyone who told me to be careful. I felt people just didn’t get it because Chris had even improved my outlook to life. He got me a few business deals, gave me advice when I reported my boyfriend and he always advised me to be patient and stuff. See! He really was like a brother to me.
Then six months after talking almost every day Chris visited Nigeria; I was excited of course. We had become very good friends and my boyfriend Dan was out of town at the same time. How convenient, when the devil wants to strike ehn…. Everything will just be falling into place mtchew. So Chris and I had enough time to play and hangout and No, I didn’t mention it to my boyfriend… he didn’t get it anyway always telling me to be careful and what not. Two days to Chris’ return to Russia I slept over at his house. It was perfect, nothing happened! Indeed this was the big brother I never had.
Chris went back to Russia and we still kept at it. Ten months we talked and had the purest of conversations. I would feel incomplete if I didn’t talk to him in a day. I began to share more private information with him. Dan had finally agreed that Chris is probably in fact different, Chris had gotten a contract for Dan which improved our way of life so much that Dan even got me a car. Sometimes we would cross the line a bit but I would think “he only means it in the purest way plus we won’t see each other anytime soon”. My conscience and mind told me to stop but I said to myself when it gets that bad I am strong enough to redefine the relationship.
Dan was getting busier by the day and so he spent less time with me. When I wasn’t busy with work or with Dan I had my “assistant boyfriend” (that’s the title Ivie gave him) to keep me busy . I would send him pictures that would show some cleavage, or when I am bra-less in a top; I would send it to him and then to Dan “okay at this point err I didn’t know what I was thinking”. I was exploring my wild side a bit and it was safe because by the time I would see Chris again I probably would be married “HELL OH HELL”. I was wrong!!!
Chris showed up in town last week, he met Dan in person. We all went out had fun together. Chris and Dan went to the polo club “boy’s day out”. Everything was perfect, it was so good to know they both got along perfectly – I was safe. Then three days ago, Chris and I were chatting as usual then he said I should come sleepover that it was fun the last time. I agreed it was fun too and there was really no harm in staying over at my “brother’s” house. So I packed my stuff and went to his place.
We talked and played video games all night. We slept and once again it was perfect. In the morning while making breakfast and being playful it happened – we kissed. I knew I should stop, I said “Chris what are we doing? We should stop”. He actually stopped and apologized said it was best for me to leave. Then just as I turned to leave, I don’t know what came over me “lust of the flesh that’s what it was”. I turned around to kiss him. The kiss was like a passionate release next thing he lifted me up and carried me to his bedroom “Who could even resist that temptation anyways” Forty-five minutes after the kiss, I had become a cheater. “the sex was good though” I felt dirty… still feel dirty. “Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! That’s what you are Tee”
I never in my wildest imagination thought I would be in this situation. I really am/ was a good girl. Three days ago I would judge me right now. I can’t even imagine how broken Dan would be if he found out. Do I tell him or not? Chris and I haven’t talked much since it happened. I just hate myself right now “why did you have to be so stupid Tee?”
Auntie wake up! Do you feel better? Are we still going for this event or not? Ivie says in a loud voice, I get up trying to forget all my thoughts, “Yes, Yes I am better now” I say with a smile even though deep down I am disgusted with myself and I just keep on asking myself over and over “How did I get here?”.
- At what point should Tee have drawn the line or be more cautious?
- Do you think people get into situations like this because they put so much confidence in their moral standing?
- Tee is condemning herself for her actions in her head, what are your thoughts on this and does that mean she regrets it?
- Is it only sex with someone other than your spouse that is considered cheating?
- People generally find it easy to judge others why do you think this is so?
- Do you think that the relationship between Tee and Chris was actually an innocent one?
- Is it okay to have a close friend of the opposite sex while in a serious relationship?
- How much do you think the fact that Chris was not around influenced Tee’s actions or you think far away or not the story would have ended the same way?
- Tee is apparently also being reprimided by a voice in her head (statements in italics) what would you call that voice?