In any triangle, who is the betrayer, who is the unseen rival, and who is the humiliated lover? Oneself, oneself, and no one but oneself! – Erica Jong
“Hey love, when was the last time you cried?” She asked me in the kitchen as we made pancakes for breakfast. She wanted to spoil me today, bring me breakfast in bed but I also had the same thing in mind but we both met ourselves in the kitchen and started laughing as we knew we had both uncovered each other’s plan. So we decided to get on with it, whip out some pancakes together – I missed spending time with her like this; that was why I decided to spend all my time at hers immediately I got into town this weekend. I got busy with work, travelling round the world closing deals and making new contacts as I go. I tell her I am doing this for us when she complains about missing me and I mention that the feeling is a mutual one.
The ‘question game’ has been our way of getting to know and understand each other better. As we talk through questions and let our thoughts, opinions and feelings known. It’s funny and weird to other people but it’s usually fun for us doing it.
“Let me see. Errrmm, I can’t remember. Oh! I cried in church while worshipping God on Sunday.” I said with a grin on my face. I thought her reaction would probably be to try doing or saying something naughty but she gave me the ‘like seriously’ look and I couldn’t stop laughing.
“I kissed Chris.” She said as she stirred the flour.
“Babe, are you trying to make me jealous right now because it’s not working.” I said as I walked behind her, wrapping my hands round her waist. I felt her pause and tremble.
“Babe, are you okay?”
“I slept with him.” I almost didn’t hear her say it. I froze. She held my hands, trying to keep them on her waist as she shook violently. I didn’t let go rather I held her tight. She was crying now.
“I’m sorry love. Please say something. It was a mistake.”
Her words did cut through me like a million daggers. I couldn’t breathe. Why me? Why us? Why now?
I took a step back. The sound of her voice was now like poison to me. I felt pain in ways I couldn’t explain. I walked away as fast as I could. Hoping and wishing I was dreaming and that I would wake up soon, that this was only a nightmare.
I’ve been sitting in my fancy car and crying for hours now. I am exhausted and confused. Sam my best friend had travelled so there was no one to go share my sorrow with. I am weirdly private. I don’t tend to have lots of close friends. This car has borne my grief with me so far. She slept with him – so much for being faithful and keeping ourselves for each other, I guess, it all boils down to nothing now.
Where do I go from here? I thought we had the perfect relationship. Our friends envied us. How could she do this to me, to us? Maybe I’m really cursed after all – never to be loved in equal measure. Maybe love was never meant for me. Maybe she was too good for me.
I can see the look on her face as I walked in. It had uncertainty and pain written all over it. Her eyes now red and puffy told of her tired form. She lay on the floor with our memories scattered round about her – the first picture we took, the first gift we exchanged, the tiny papers we scribbled our expression of love on and my t-shirt – her favourite one she wore.
I sat down with her. I could hear all the many questions her heart asked and I could see how distraught and shattered her spirit and soul was. I could see the shame she wore as a cloak. Tears cascaded down our faces as we looked at each other.
“I have been crying ever since I stepped out of the house. I have been thinking and trying to process everything I heard you say to me.” “Nothing made sense.” I said as I cried.
“We have so many memories that I don’t want to let go of. This is the height of the pain we have inflected on each other but I don’t want to make it a defining moment for us, for what we’ve built and shared.
I can see the unbelief on her face.
“I don’t know if I’m a fool right now. But I want us to try doing ‘Us’ again; to fall in love again recklessly.”
“Dan, I don’t deserve you”. She whispered as she collapsed into my open arms.
Hello! its been so long, I’m literally dusting out cobwebs, I hope to do a better job at consistency this time. The triangle continues because I love the story and I get to work with amazing writers. My good friend Caleb agreed to help with Dan’s character and I love what he has done so far. You can read more write ups from Caleb in “The journey” column.
Please drop comments on your thoughts so far regarding Tee, Chris and Dan. Seeing comments encourages me. See ya.